That’s the opening line I used with the kallah teachers who came in for a 3.5 day training session “Demystifying Sex and Teaching Halakah.” Why? Because in my experience of treating dozens of Orthodox women, it has become clear to me that, more often than not, Orthodox women do not have the opportunity to discuss sex and their concerns with almost anyone. And in many cases they hope that their Kallah Teacher will be able to make things clear, make them feel less awkward and isolated, and answer the myriad of questions that have grown during the months preceding marriage. And so, whether or not the kallah teachers saw themselves as sex educators when they signed up to be kallah teachers, that’s the position they are in…. and that’s the position they need to fill.

So… “tag you’re it.”

What do we try to accomplish during the days that they are with us?
We hope that they will leave…
> Understanding that there is a much broader range of halachic responses than they might have initially thought.
> Having peeled away many of the halachic layers and with a much clearer understanding of what issues are deoraita, d’rabanan, minhag or “just nonsense.”
> Having a much broader understanding of what a really good sex life can look like and being able to talk comfortably and openly about it.
> Separating their own personal issues, concerns and biases from what the facts are and able to handle a much broader range of sexual concerns than they could before attending.
> Being equipped to pick up subtle problems and refer them appropriately.

That’s a lot to ask. And we push the women hard while they are with us. They were in class from 8:30 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. – with short breaks. They learned, they argued, they “shared,” they gasped and they cried. But I think almost everyone would say that they left the workshop with a new level of self awareness than when they came.

Rabbi Dov Linzer recently wrote “This is the second cadre of teachers we have taught, and we now have a wonderful community of 40 kallah teachers who can turn to each other and their instructors from this program for advice, suggestions, and direction.”

Special thanks to Rabbi Dov Linzer and Rabba Sara Hurwitz who taught the bulk of halacha course. Also, thank you to Dr. Valerie Altmann, Devorah Zlochower, Dr. Michael Werner, Shoshana Bulow, Rabbi Yaakov Love, and Suri Rudoff Sugarman for teaching and for giving so freely of their time. And of course we couldn’t have done any of it without our program coordinator Pessy Katz took care of all the details!

And a special thanks to JOFA, YCT and Yeshivat Maharat who sponsored the course… and to the private funders who made it possible.

At the second JOFA conference I gave the closing speech. It began with “Six weeks ago I a gave birth to a daughter. She came into a world so very different from the one I came into.” And she did. A few weeks ago, that daughter celebrated her bat mitzvah. The bat mitzvah she celebrated was so very different from the one I did, 36 years ago. She leined the parsha and the haftorah at a partnership minyan. I had an aliya. She wore a tallit. She completed seder nezikim and made a siyyum.   My “bat mitzvah” was a picnic lunch with three friends.

Actually, her bat mitzvah looked an awful lot like my brothers’ bar mitzvahs.

What a different world we inhabit today. And how lucky she is – to make her way in this “whole new world” of incredible opportunity for girls and women.   Of course, she and her peers will still have their own challenges ahead of them.  I often wonder how she will react when she hits her own  “brick walls,” but something tells me that she will be okay. We’ve given these girls the strength and confidence and learning they need. We’ve given them the tools to make their own way through the complicated labyrinth we call Orthodox Judaism. They’ll create their own pathways… and then perhaps we’ll be the ones to follow.