Originally Posted on the Mayyim Hayyim Blog Jan 19, 2012 

Often, we hear women talking about the positive impact of using the  mikveh. They may talk about it being a meaningful religious or life-stage experience, or they may talk about the positive way in which it has affected their relationships.

But what about the women who don’t feel that way? What about women who feel as though mikveh is yet another hurdle in their religious life or in their sex life? Sometimes, I worry that we don’t give them enough space for them to share their concerns or their pain, and in doing so, we shut down an avenue for help and support.

I’m a medical sex therapist. I see dozens of women each week who are struggling with their sex lives. The struggles don’t differ much between the women in the Jewish community and other communities. But I am constantly struck by the role that the mikveh (and the laws surrounding its use) plays in the observant Jewish woman’s personal struggle, how it both effects and is affected by the quality of the sexual relationship.

The reality is that religion can, and does, often act as a smoke screen. That’s not what it is intended for, but for good and for bad sometimes it just works that way. So the teenage girl who feels inadequate in a bathing suit can decide she is “no longer going mixed swimming,” and the obsessive compulsive can spend 30 minutes retying the tefillin knots. In the same way, mikveh can be used as “cover,” an “escape,” or a “weapon” in the world of sexual problems.

In what ways do I see the mikveh used by women who are having problems with her sex life? Women who may love their partners maybe thrilled at the idea of taking a 2-week-a-month vacation from sex and the pain, discomfort, and disappointment it entails. Women who are angry at their partner may intentionally or unintentionally put off going to the mikveh. Time and again, I hear stories of women who actively look for stains and who put off “clean” checks so that they can extend the “off time.”

And what about the women for whom the mikveh exacerbates their problem?  The women who struggle with painful sex and know that the pain will be worse each time they have a 2 week break. Or the women who finally feel comfortable with their partner and who feel as though they are starting all over every month?

Women get trapped in this cycle because they don’t see another way out. Maybe they have tried to talk to their ob/gyn about their pain, their low desire, or their inability to have an orgasm and maybe they haven’t gotten good answers. Maybe they’ve talked to their partners about their desires and needs and they still aren’t getting met. The mikveh and the off-time  gives them a short term refuge. But the truth is that there is guilt that goes with it and the underlying knowledge that they are not really solving their problems, merely putting them off for a time.

So here’s some advice: don’t use the mikveh as your smoke screen. Trust that there are answers to the sexual problems you’re facing. It is true that sometimes finding a solution is difficult. As a society we’re far behind the curve in making it easy to talk about sexual problems, and we have a long way to go in accepting that there are sexual problems that need solutions beyond talk therapy. But there are solutions. I promise you. Keep looking until you find them and then the mikveh can return to its rightful role.

Bat Sheva Marcus is the clinical director at The Medical Center for Female Sexuality in New York. She has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and dual Master’s Degrees in social work and public health.

Read more of Bat Sheva’s writing on the Better Sex Blog. 

As a North American-based organization, JOFA has generally refrained from taking an independent position on the issues facing Orthodox women in Israel.  Rather, JOFA has stood, and continues to stand, in full support of its Israeli counterparts in their heroic struggles on behalf of Israeli women.  Nonetheless, faced with the recent barrage of misogynist developments in Israel, we must issue an unequivocal condemnation of the incidents of gender segregation, exclusion of women, and anti-women violence in Israel.  These incidents range from women’s images being removed from advertisements, women being forced to sit in segregated areas on buses, women prizewinners forbidden from accepting their prizes, and, most recently, the violence against young girls attending the Religious Zionist Orot school in Beit Shemesh (read more here).

We trust that our JOFA members are equally outraged by these developments and we offer the following concrete steps that may be taken to express that outrage:

1.   Please sign the on-line petition protesting the gender segregation of women in Israel published by Kolech, the Orthodox Jewish feminist organization in Israel, here

2.   Please participate in The New Israel Fund’s campaign to restore images of women in advertising in Jerusalem here

3.   The RCA, OU and IRF have recently issued statements condemning the violence against girls in Beit Shemesh.  JOFA applauds these rabbinic organizations for their strong stand on this issue.  Thank your local rabbi for his support and encourage him to advocate within his rabbinical organization to take an equally strong stand in opposition to gender segregation and the exclusion of women in Israel.

Click  here for a powerful editorial written by Dr. Giti Bendheim, a member of JOFA’s Advisory Council.

There is a grammatical anomaly that pervades the traditional Hanukkah liturgy. In the She’asah nissim blessing, in haNerot hallalu, and in Al haNissim (the Hanukkah addition to the Amidah prayer and to the Grace After Meals), we acknowledge the miracles and battles that God performed for our ancestors in the repetitive language: “baYamim haHem baZeman haZeh”— in those days in this time. This peculiar phrase is often translated in prayer books as “in those days at this season;” nevertheless, why would the liturgy need to repeat or separate days and season in this manner?

To continue reading, click here

Along with my five siblings I grew up in a Conservative Jewish home but found myself increasingly drawn to Orthodoxy and in my late 20s finally declared myself Orthodox.

I was happy with my newfound Orthodoxy.  Happy, that is, until some years later when I felt stirrings of discontent which grew louder and which I was increasingly unable to quiet.

Along this journey I studied texts on my own, attended many classes and went to shul regularly.  And I loved all these opportunities to learn and to pray.

However, in my late 40s I began feeling very uncomfortable as I wondered, for example, why one of the daily prayers men recite thanks G-d for not making them a woman.

When the Sefer Torah was held aloft, and we say the words, “This is the Torah which Moses placed before the children of Israel,” I became distressed that, in some shuls, I could not see the Torah because the women’s section was too far back, or the balcony was too high up, or the mechitzah too opaque and tall.

I didn’t understand why scholars-in-residence were always men.

On tombstones, why was the name of the mother of the deceased not included?  Why were the names of the mothers of the bride and groom not written in the ketubah?

I even began to wonder why bentschers included images only of men, except for a few which had images of women lighting candles.

But most painful of all was my growing awareness of the terrible plight of agunot.

I began questioning so much of what I had believed in for 20 years.  But I still loved Orthodoxy with all its richness and depth of observance.

To whom could I turn for answers?  Was it possible for things to be different?  And if so, how?

And I felt lonely, for who else could possibly have these same questions and yearnings.

In February of 1997 I attended the First Conference on Feminism and Orthodoxy, a two day event that changed my life forever.

My confusion, searching and questions were addressed in the numerous seminars and workshops and in the conversations so many of us had throughout the two days.

Still ringing in my ears are the words of the closing plenary’s speaker, “Tear down those balconies! Judaism is not a spectator sport.”

Here I was among a like-minded group of women and men who believed halacha allowed for women to participate more fully in all spheres of religious life.

JOFA was created from this conference in 1997, and I had the great fortune and joy to be asked to join the founding board.

My yearning to empower Orthodox Jewish women grew and became an integral part of my life.  I came to believe in maximizing the potential of Orthodox women in all areas of life – in their families, shuls, schools, and in Jewish communal organizations—to the full extent possible within halacha.  And I believed that through this meaningful participation in Jewish life, the whole of the Jewish world would be enriched and elevated.

It was JOFA that shaped my formerly inchoate ideas and dreams into clear goals.

And then my funding began to flow from these values and this passion and this commitment to JOFA’s ideals.

At the same time JOFA was taking shape, my siblings and I were assuming a greater role in the stewardship of our family foundation.  And as I took courses in grantmaking and met with my mentor, Barbara Dobkin, and with others so important to the development of my thinking, I began to look closely at the way I did my funding.

I began formulating a tzedaka plan aligned with my values and passions.

When I was asked to donate $18 per letter for a new Sefer Torah, I asked the solicitor if women and girls were going to be allowed to read from this Torah.  When the answer was no, I responded that I could not give any money to this project, but that I would be happy to consider future donations for a Torah that would be read by women and girls.

When solicited by organizations that did not allow women officers, I responded that since I believed women should be allowed to serve in leadership positions I could not support their organizations.

I could not give to a girls’ Yeshiva which did not have the study of Talmud included in its curriculum.

And I came to love JOFA more and more, and fund it more and more.  It became the primary recipient of my tzedaka.

For JOFA embodied all that I believed in.

JOFA promotes women’s leadership, works to influence schools to be more gender sensitive with its personnel and its programming, teaches how to celebrate life cycle events in a more inclusive way, educates us in how to increase women’s participation in synagogue life, struggles to ameliorate the problem of agunot, shows us how to enrich our spiritual lives.  And it urges us to give tzedaka in a thoughtful way—a way that expresses clearly our most deeply held values and beliefs.

Change cannot happen by itself.  It requires our ideas, our voices, and our money.

JOFA imagines a different future, a changed future, one with limitless possibilities. JOFA educates people as to what this future looks like, inspires us to believe in this different future and advocates for this future. JOFA imagines, inspires, educates and advocates.

We all have the power to enrich, elevate, empower and actualize the potential of Jewish women. By so doing we create a just, fair and compassionate world.

To download a printer-friendly version of this essay, click Zelda Stern scroll essay

This wasn’t my dream; it was Blu Greenberg’s I’m talking about. I like to say that I was there at the birth of JOFA—actually I was there at the conception. Blu had a dream, a conference of Orthodox women to talk about expanding their spiritual, ritual and intellectual roles within the framework of halakha. Her wonderful friend, Esther Farber a”h, brought my sister into the mix and my sister corralled me. The conference exceeded expectations. We ran out of chairs. People sat on the floor, hung from the rafters. The highlight: One woman saying to another—I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

חלום חלמתי ואינו יודע מה הוא …

The dream: Part Two. Blu brought a group of us together and said we should form an organization devoted to the goals of the conference. And, she said, let’s hope that in a few years we will have accomplished all our goals and be out of business.

And one evening, surrounded by a group of like-minded incredible women, our young lawyer, Laura Shaw Frank, read us the articles of incorporation and we voted unanimously to accept them. JOFA was born.

Those early years are a fond memory. Those of us on the executive committee met once a week in Riverdale around the table in Blu’s kitchen or dining room. There, I might add, our fabrenta feminist leader served us hot cereal as we debated our future. And what debates! We thought we could bring a systemic solution to the agunah travesty. We were told by some rabbis that the solutions are there, and we just needed rabbis who would study and use them. We thought, naively, that if we got a group of rabbis together and talked around my dining room table and charged them with the task they would make it happen. We were wrong. Not only were we powerless to make change, but we were unable to get the rabbis to come together to discuss change. We thought that we could promote women in leadership roles. That, too, has been difficult. Some rabbis called us pagans. Others used the argument of tseniut, modesty. They say it is immodest for women to take on leadership roles. Some of these same rabbis will not allow a yoetzet halakha in their synagogues. It is better to bring the intimate questions of niddah to a male authority.  The spokesperson for Agudas Yisrael says women rabbis demean women. I quote: “Whether ordaining Orthodox women violates a specific halakha is unimportant. It’s still wrong.”  Is there a halkahic issue with women and leadership? Agudas Yisrael argues that the Shulhan Arukh doesn’t say that you can’t put a cat in an aron kodesh, but we know it isn’t right. If you recall a number of years ago another rabbi was furious that a woman would read a ketubah at a wedding. Well, he said, it’s not that it’s a halakhic prohibition—even a monkey can read a ketubah.

חלום חלמתי ואינו יודע מה הוא…..We had a dream and we didn’t know what it would bring….

Sadly we are not yet out of business. But we have accomplished a lot. A simhat bat ceremony to welcome the birth of a girl is a given now in most communities. And the celebration of a bat mitzvah is catching on even in hareidi homes. JOFA publishes Shema beKolah, divrei Torah written and edited by women. The JOFA Journal, each issue covering a specific topic, is read by over 5,000 people and is being used by study groups and as part of school curricula. We have begun a series of halakhic source guides on topics relating to women, Ta Shma. The first three are “May Women Touch a Torah Scroll,” “Women’s Obligation in Kiddush of Shabbat,” and “A Daughter’s Recitation of Kaddish”—with others to follow. We published our first book: Women and Men in Communal Prayer: A Halakhic Perspective written by Rabbi Daniel Sperber and Rabbi Mendel Shapiro

עת ספוד ועת רקוד —A time to mourn and a time to dance…. (Kohelet 3:4)

Today is a celebration, a time to dance. Though many of our dreams have been trampled on and some have been deferred, many have also been realized. Seneca, a Roman philosopher, once said: It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.

I hope that we at JOFA will continue to dare—and to dream.

To download a printer-friendly version of this essay, click Carol Newman scroll essay

November 20, 2011

Scroll of Honor Essay by Blu Greenberg

I was blessed to grow up in a home that taught me that Judaism is much more than a collection of laws and customs to be practiced.  My father and mother, z”l, made clear that Torah and tradition are a way of serving God by living a life of honesty, uprightness and chessed. Everyone who knew my parents understood that their commitment to Torah and deep faith enabled them to be this way. When I grew older, I understood this Judaism as a covenant, a partnership between God and humanity, and between the generations, as my parents sought to pass on to their family the values and commitments they had inherited.

I’ve also had the good fortune to be married to a man for whom covenant is a core of Judaism. Tzelem elokim – that every human image of God be treated as equal, unique, and of infinite value – infuses and informs all of his teachings and relationships.

So to me, JOFA has never been just about “expanding [women’s] spiritual, ritual, intellectual and political opportunities …within halakha”, never just about freeing agunot or ordaining women.  The purpose of JOFA was nothing less than to join society in moving closer to a just and equitable world; JOFA’s focus would be on a very small segment of the world—our own universe of Orthodox women.  We understood that in this increasingly egalitarian society, Orthodox Judaism must reach for the biblical paradigm of men and women, created as equals, in the image of God.

How does a covenant between God and humanity work?  Covenant involves compromise and forward motion, a process begun at Sinai.  The Torah mediated between the ideal of gender equality and realities of society.  In 1250BCE, women could be bought and sold as chattels. The Torah’s correction was that henceforth, a man could sell his daughter only to someone who would marry her and treat her as a free wife.  [Ex. 21:6].  Another correction was to require a written gett which protected wives against the impulsive oral divorce that surely terrorized all Mesopotamian women. [Deut. 24]

The process continued — with God counting on human partners in history to keep moving closer to the ideal. That is what Torah sheh b’al peh is about, and the function of Rabbis in every generation.   Centuries after Sinai, the Rabbis added a ketubah with its financial protections. Centuries later, they forbad forcible divorce.  In every generation, as women’s status improved and conditions in society changed, the Rabbis sought to bring tradition closer to the Torah’s ideals.

Each generation under the covenant takes the Torah as far as it can go until someday the messianic world of full equality will be attained. In this sense, we Jewish feminists are part of the mesorah, not outside of it, as some would have others believe.  We are links in the unbroken and unbreakable chain on the way to redemption. We are transmitters of the mesorah to future generations, carrying forward covenant goals and ideals.  It is those who hold back progress, hold women in personal limbo or diminish their humanity, who turn the precious chain of tradition into chains of injustice.  But the task will not be put down until the covenant dream is realized, until our community is liberated from oppression of agunot, from denial of opportunity and leadership, religious experience and expression of its women.

One last word about covenant:  We tend to think of ‘covenant’ in terms of Torah, the generations, Shabbat, marriage…   But there is another dimension to covenant that I did not understand until I stepped down as president: that JOFA itself is a profoundly covenantal institution.  Yes, gratefully, we’ve witnessed progress in women’s learning, in leadership, tefillah, and life cycle ceremonies.  Still, given Orthodoxy’s naturally slow pace of change, given the resistance of some rabbinic authorities who equate Orthodoxy with no change, the goals carried by JOFA could never be reached in discrete presidential terms.  But in true covenantal fashion, the organizational structure enables others to step forward and carry on this sacred work.

I am deeply grateful to my co-honorees, to Carol who moved the organization to greater heights, greatly professionalizing it during her tenure, and to Judy, who took the reins after Carol. I know that both have taken JOFA along with them on vacations and deep into the nights.  I am grateful to Zelda, generous Zelda, who has mentored for so many the model of principled giving, which she credits to her mentor, Barbara Dobkin.  I feel grateful to the JOFA board– who give time, energy and soul to bring justice and betterment to the lives of others. And I want to remember those who were there from the beginning but are no longer –Esther Farber, Honey Rackman, and Natalie Friedman, z”l. I greatly appreciate the work of Robin and our dedicated staff who are a joy to work with, and I wish Robin well on her next challenge.  I feel gratitude to the members of JOFA who walk this history together as a real force, and gratitude to friends present and not present, whose generosity enables our work to go forward.  My special thanks to Giti and Jacky, Belda and Marcel, and Barbara and the dinner committee, for producing this wonderful event. And I thank my family, for always, always being the source of unadulterated happiness.  I thank God for all these blessings, and for creating me a Jewish woman at this moment in history.

Plenty of work for JOFA remains. Tonight, we declare that we will neither tire nor cease. As Isaiah promised (40:31): “Those who trust in Hashem shall renew their strength; they shall run and not grow weary: they shall march and not grow faint.”

To download a printer-friendly version of this piece, click Blu Greenberg scroll piece

A Wonderful Celebration

Thank You!

A fantastic evening… The room was packed and full of energy…

The art exhibit resonated…

Over 420 people joined the celebration!

Watch and share our video!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Responses: “Does Cultural Change Necessarily Entail Halakhic Change? A Reaction to Women Joining a Zimmun” by Ya’akov Medan

“ ‘My Women Friends, Let Us Bless’: A Response to the Question of Women Joining in a Zimmun Within the Family Circle” by Mikhal Tikochinksy

Published in the Meorot Journal (Tishrei 5772/2011), A publication of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbinical School (Translated from Aqdamot, Nisan 5771, Beit Morasha)

Yonatan Gershon has written and published an article in the Meorot journal (Tishrei 5772/2011) that investigates the question of whether women are permitted to join with men to form a zimmun (group of three required to say Birkat HaMazon together), with a focus on family context. Gershon examines the rabbinic sources that discuss the degree to which women are obligated to recite Birkat HaMazon, and includes specific examples where Rabbis’ wives and daughters’ joined with men in a zimmun. Gershon concludes that women have traditionally been excluded from the zimmun for social and cultural, rather than halakhic reasons, and questions whether these concerns are still relevant today. Gershon suggests that women should be permitted, and perhaps, encouraged, to participate in a zimmun within a family context, but that it is up to individuals and communities on the ground to change this custom and invite women into the zimmun.

Gershon’s respondents—Ya’akov Medan and Mikhal Tikochinksy—respond by questioning what the impact would be of breaking from tradition and developing a new custom. Medan is concerned about breaking from the traditions of modesty and separation of sexes that our ancestors practiced, but he is also concerned about the growing gap between women’s roles in secular and religious realms. Tikochinsky offers an insider perspective on the issue, as she explains the polarization of the female religious community around expanding women’s ritual roles. “At one end are those women who have no interest in taking on additional obligations and would feel odd participating in a zimmun; at the other are those who want to be included in a zimmun as people with equal rights.” She reminds us that “there are many women who are seriously troubled by the matter. They are marked not by defiance but by a sincere, piously motivated desire to participate.”(pg.21)

It is always challenging to reexamine our traditions and our roles in society, but this collection of articles gives women and men the opportunity to investigate the sources on zimmun for themselves and to arrive at an informed decision about their own family practices. The wealth of textual references, as well as the nuances concerning the tension between innovation and tradition, provide a wonderful springboard for dinner-table discussions on women’s roles in the zimmun. Each of the three articles puts the power for change in the hands of individual families and communities, and we encourage you to read the article and examine the resources on our websites to determine what decisions are right for you.

Click here to read the full article, click here

For Men Only? Gendered Language in the Aseret Ha-Dibrot
By Rachel Furst, JOFA Journal on Shavuot (2007)

… Hazal (the Sages), … nonetheless found it inconceivable that women were absent at the moment of revelation or that they were left out of God’s covenant with the People of Israel. To compensate for the Torah’s male-centered language, the rabbis went to great lengths to read women into the text and to argue for their inclusion in both the moment and the message.

For full article, click here

Check out the story “Religious Paper Cuts Clinton from Iconic Photo” on CNN.com regarding a Haredi newspaper erasing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Director of Counterterrorism, Audrey Tomason from the historic situation room photo. Also see JOFA’s included quote, “And sometimes we get the feeling that men wish women were not even in the room… This picture by [an ultra-Orthodox] newspaper goes a step further by revising history to remove important women leaders from the historic room in which they were present. It reminds us of how much work is still to be done!” here

As we celebrate receiving the law, let’s celebrate the ways in which women were included in the Jewish people at Har Sinai. Women were there then, and we are still here. Support JOFA in our work to keep women in the story!